The weekend was great.  Ted and I had a few friends over for a vegetarian cookout.  Ted has been a vegetarian since November and I have drastically reduced my meat consumption also.  For the most part we are keeping the house meat free (about the same percentage as it is gluten free).  So the cookout was a BYOM.  Which I think went really well.   I was finally frustrated enough with my wardrobe to venture to a mall and lay out some money on new summer clothes (which should transition into fall).  Leah went with and said the thing a friend is expected to say, “Just try it on.”  I have the tendency to edit out clothes before I see how they will look on so having someone wiling to say it over and over is a big help.  So I finally got some threads that show some style but are professional.  Then Leah and I went to see the Sex and the City movie.  It was much better and funnier than I expected.  Some of it was cheesy and I can’t say that all of the characters acted in ways that I would have guessed, but it more than satisfactory and I felt a good movie overall.   

Thank goodness it’s a four day workweek.  I am starting to feel the call of the beach and a lazy week day afternoon….

Summer is in full swing here in Chicago.  The trees are blooming and filling the air with their fragrance.  Gardens are full to the brim with buds and leaves.  It has been truly lovely to walk to work recently.  Perhaps it is the whispers of summers past, of lazy summer days and dreaming of the future, or my birthday growing nearer with the annual renewal and reflection it brings, or the jolt to my system that changing jobs has caused, the once static persistent stimulus finally gone leaving a new calm (almost emptiness) in its wake.  Whatever the cause, I have been thinking more and more about the meaning in my life.  Or put a better way, what is meaningful to me in a career.  I have long admired those that are able to hunker down, find something practical that they can tolerate and then give themselves to it.  And I have been envious of those that are able to tolerate the stress and thrive in business.  I have always had my head a little more in the clouds and it required a lot of energy for me to focus on details and practicalities.  

 The past few months have been a very trying and stressful time to me.  It has left with a new perspective on myself, the world around me, and the future.  In the past I have been too focused on what was expected of me.  Too much energy being spent on external approval and validation.  It worked for a while but giving someone else the right to judge and value your worth will eventually lead you to feel powerless and anger.  I see now that that is where I have been for a while now. It makes me sad looking back that I had to run away from the situation in order to see it clearly.  I wish that I had been able to work through it and stay.  But I don’t think the clarity would have come for a while.   I am happy for the most part with the role that I am in now.  I still have a lot to learn to get to the level I need to be at but I am taking it much easier on myself.  I know that my being in this role won’t last forever.  I am self-aware enough to know that this is not my life’s calling, but I think that it is a great place to be while I figure out what I want.  And that really is the key—what I want.  Too many times in the past when thinking about the future and the possibilities for careers, I have only seen two or three options.  And all of those included working really hard at things that I have been told all my life I was good at.   While I do have some natural ability in those areas, I do not enjoy it enough for it to be the focus of my work.  It has always felt an uphill battle to meet expectations, exceed expectations, and strive for perfection.  I am giving all that up.  Focusing now on what I want and the perogative that comes with the creative process.

Last week I went to training for four days.  I am usually excited about training -- sitting and learning, doing exercises and relaxing is always a dream, but this time it seemed more a chore.   The training was in Schaumburg.  I was forced to trade in my 15 minute walk for a 45 minute morning drive and a 1.5 hour white-knuckle crawl home.   I went to the same place back in August but don't recall the traffic being so bad.  I am glad it is over.   Sometimes it takes being forced out of your routine to really appreciate what you have.